Finding another way to accept

Acceptance is a funny word. I did not like being told that I needed to accept my daughter's condition. I believed I could make an impact, that there were places where I could even create miracles, that's because I was in fight or flight urgently saving my daughter's life(or at least helping her reach some level of independence) and therefore my own. Acceptance did not fall into any of my aspirations and who wants to live without hope, who wants to live and think there is nothing they can do?

The caregiver predicament puts many of us in a bind. On one hand, the medical community and for convenience sake let's also include therapists, schools, and experts, like to tell us how we can improve things over time. They tell us to give these medications, do these exercises, practice these habits and maybe just maybe we can keep things stable and even improve our lot. I followed and continue to engage in those kinds of conversations and activities, but something for me has changed.

It's hard for me to call it acceptance because still... that feels like giving up, but I have had to shift my attention to yes... "myself" almost 14 years in, I find I am not able to be as completely focused on my daughter because as the years drifted by I realized that other things were falling through the cracks, things like my career, my health, my relationships. This is what "old school" caregivers understand.. that this is a marathon.

So if we are going to call it acceptance that's fine, but actually what I prefer to call it is a reorganization of my energies (after all, where I put my attention is where I put my energy) and that's because, at some point, I realized that this caregiving thing isn't only about altruism or being a warrior. This caregiver thing is about discovering something about myself and the world that I didn't know.

I wonder what you need to practice? What do you need to explore about yourself? What traits do you think could be improved as a result of your obsessive attention and detail to helping another. What kind of values were you brought up with? What validation or approval are you looking for? This thing called caregiving is in my opinion a major wake-up call. It's a call to action because once you have made your self-discoveries in this role, if you really want something to happen outside of caregiving, then you are going to have to REALLY want it (caregiving has no boundaries so we have to make them) and you are going to have to REALLY make an effort for it to happen in your life.

That effort, that new attention, that awareness of how you really want your life to be with your caregiver reality is what separates us from many. It's as if we are fighting for our lives... and if that sounds even more challenging or dramatic... in my personal experience, these deliberate steps we take towards a life we truly want, is when we finally realize we are in the driving seat, creating our reality and very much alive!