Why do people run away from our pain?
Why do we find it so hard to embrace the pain of others and why are we so disappointed when people cannot hold our pain?
You’ve probably had the experience of talking with someone about something painful to you, but this person's eyes seemed to glaze, or they couldn’t just listen and had to give you advice, or say you were making a big deal, or jump out of the conversation, or even blame you for your own pain! Their reactions or lack of interest caused you to feel isolated, disappointed, and angry because of their inability to be compassionate, supportive, and helpful.
And the reverse is true when we are not at peace ourselves with the pain of others, we also find ourselves impatient, uncomfortable, angry and judgemental of others who we feel are either sharing too much information or expecting us to respond in some way that is causing us to feel unease. We may find ourselves after rehashing past events, writing angry mental emails in the middle of the night, anxious rumination, or feeling flooded, overwhelmed or drained.
This process of empathy (or not) activates the motor mirror system in the visual cortex that allows us to replicate these states ourselves as if we were in their shoes, and they are in fact referred to as "vicarious states". These states, like our body budget are in a constant state of flux based on our body chemistry, environment and beliefs (and this applies to the other side by the way). Another important phenomenon to take into consideration when we enter these states is that it also may activate our fight or flight system if we perceive danger or a threat to our equilibrium. Lastly, when we don't respond the way a person expects, and vice versa, we then refer back to habitual melodramas and loops of memorized emotions that cause us to again experience the same emotions.
It may be hard for you to accept that someone close to you is not helping you in the way that you are helping your loved one. You may be disappointed by their reactions and lack of interest but perhaps now, you will begin to consider a bigger picture. This recognition of the whole—the whole of a person’s life, of the past emerging into the present, of the natural world, of physical reality altogether—tends to settle down the neural networks in the top middle of the brain that cause us to ruminate and agitate. It also tends to activate and strengthen neural networks on the sides of the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present, taking life less personally—and with those changes comes a growing sense of peace.
Tell yourself next time these feelings arise, "can I be with this?" and "this too" and then just take a few breaths as you allow the emotions to rise and pass away.
